Top 5 Christmas Films

5. The Santa Clause

Low expectations help make this film what it is. Tim Allen is a funny bloke, but to carry this film like he does with such a terrific performance, it just hits you like a ton of ACME bricks. After Santa Claus falls off his roof, Allen becomes the new Santa Claus, and spends the next year trying to come to terms with his new responsibilities. Aided by his son (a child actor who doesn't really annoy me, which is a rare thing), Head Elf Bernard, and the ELFS (a special squad of elves for special missions), he eventually accepts his new position and saves the day (and don't say I spoiled it for you. It's a Christmas film).

Highlights: His first few houses after becoming Santa; Judge Reinhold

Rating: 7/10


4. Elf

Will Ferrell acting like he has the brain of an 8 year old. At least I think he's acting.... Anyway, he gives a stellar performance and carries this entire film. Bar Kyle Gass (Tenacious D), no-one else really raises a titter. But Ferrell does indeed carry it. Raised by elves in Santa's workshop, he travels to New York to meet his real father. Along the way, he falls in love with Zooey Deschanel (who wouldn't?), bonds with a younger half-brother, and generally does whatever he can to annoy his father... WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! As per usual, it's the lines Ferrell improvises which raise the biggest laughs, and there is a lot of physical comedy too. Typical Christmassy ending, but it's bearable.

Highlights: Will Ferrell's improvisations and general naivety.

Rating: 8/10


3. Scrooged

Bill Murray in one of his finest roles. From Ghostbusters to his amazing cameo in Zombieland, Bill Murray knows comedy, and he delivers in spades in this modernised take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Murray stars as Frank Cross, a Scrooge-like television executive who is cruel, selfish, and fucking hilarious. Some of the finest moments involve Murray just rambling to himself non-sensically. Supporting cast includes Bobcat Goldthwait as a man Murray fires, which is a wonderful addition and Goldthwait is hilarious in the role. Overall, Scrooged stays fairly truthful to the source material, Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Yet To Come visit and make him a better man. A classic Christmas film.

Highlights: The first 5 minutes; Ghost of Christmas Present

Rating: 9/10


2. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Yes, another take on A Christmas Carol. What makes this one better than Scrooged? Fucking Muppets! That's what! (The Muppets don't actually fuck. Muppets are not anatomically correct). A more classic telling of A Christmas Carol, Michael Caine stars as Ebenezer Scrooge, a man so bereft of emotion he makes Stephen Hawking look like Chris Crocker. Pretty standard stuff. Pretty much as good as you can expect from a film starring Muppets. Most of the songs are a joy, the performances are good, and the sub-story of Charles Dickens and Rizzo The Rat (played by Gonzo The Great and Rizzo The Rat respectively) is a great addition and provides the most laughs. Scrooged is funnier. Scrooged has the better performances. And Scrooged is a better film. So why did this beat it? Because it's not Christmas unless you've watched this.

Highlights: Michael Caine; Songs that'll stick in your head

Rating: 9/10


Drum roll please....


1. Die Hard

Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas Film. Sure, you'll see it in the Action/Adventure section, and at Christmas when HMV put all the Christmas films at the front of the store, Die Hard will still be in the Action/Adventure section. But this is a Christmas film, and it is the best Christmas film. Bruce Willis plays Bruce Willis, even though everyone calls him John McClane (he must be undercover), a cop visiting his ex-wife on Christmas Eve. Suddenly, terrorists take over the building and John McClane is forced to take them on... WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! Set with the backdrop of a company Christmas Party (including a couple who get caught fucking in an empty office), it's John McClane Vs Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman who gives an equally terrific performance. This is dumb, balls to the wall action. Funny, exciting and... erm.... Christmas! Because it IS a Christmas film!

Highlights: Everything Alan Rickman does; John McClane's constant self-narration


Rating: 10/10



Happy Christmas, from all of us here at Barrington SMASH.

Sweet Dreams

Last night, I had a dream. This was no ordinary dream, like when I take over from Jack Bauer and torture some terrorists while he gets some rest, or when I dream of a world where every woman in the world looks like Zooey Deschanel, and every guy (bar me) looks like Gordon Brown. In this dream, I was dunking a variety of biscuits into a big jar of Nutella and eating them.

Normally, I wouldn't really care about this dream. In fact I probably wouldn't have even remembered it. However, the reason this dream has affected me to the extent that I felt the need to "blog" about it (still unsure if "blog" can be used as a verb), is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight. A lot of weight. For once, I think my dreams are actually being affected by reality (and luckily it's not the Jack Bauer dreams).

I've tried losing weight a few times in the past. At one point, I'd lost 1st 10lbs. However, I keep ending up back where I started. Why? Me. I can use various excuses such as work, family, love of things that are bad for me. Over the few years, I've become pretty good at coming up with excuses. Sometimes even convincing myself. However, after almost two years, I realise that all the excuses I come up with can affect everyone else. They aren't exclusive to me.

So, after joining a new gym, starting to eat healthily and just generally trying to keep an upbeat attitude, I start getting dreams of covering half a packet of Bourbon Creams in a chocolate hazelnut spread and shovelling them down my gob.

I love watching The Biggest Loser USA. Don't get me wrong, the rate at which they lose weight and how they go about it is probably as unhealthy as being so overweight in the first place. But seeing them individually come to realise how they got themselves into that state in the first place is just magic telly. For years, even though I've always been a bit overweight, I've wondered "How do people let themselves get to that stage, where they probably couldn't fit in the circle of The Vitruvian Man? Surely they would have realised how unhealthy they were about 20 stone ago."

It's hard to break the habits of a lifetime. The artificial highs from a quick fix of sugar. Grabbing a few Twirl or Aero bars even though eating more than one feels sickening. Replacing butter with Nutella on your toast (NOTE: Do not replace butter with Nutella in your scrambled eggs). And making the commitment to go to the gym or go walking 3/4 times a week is something a lot of people can't stick with.

But let's face it; tonight I'll be back dreaming about small yellow horses trying to stab my father, or meeting Jedward (and SMASHing their fucking teeth in). But the quest to be thin will continue.

Things I don't understand

Bar the obvious Quantum Mechanics, Women and how Renee Zelleweger ever made it out of that cave she was thrown into at birth, here be my list:

1. Miniature Gaming:

Y'know, the one where you paint little figures and weapons and trees, then put them on some green carpet. I'm sure back in the day (that day being in the 1940's), these were great. But get with the times. How is this still interesting to people when there is so much ever-changing technology in the world? If it's the creation and painting you like, put it to better use. Anything that takes that long to create and set up for such little reward just isn't worth it. I get pissed off waiting for my Playstation to load. But at least technology can evolve. Your little painted General will never be promoted.

2. Red Hot Chili Pepper's Lyrics:

"This chapter's going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know you're going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop"

Have Red Hot Chili Peppers really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

3. Internet Sign-offs:

People on forums who add their own sign-off to the end of their posts, like "Be at Peace, I" (Yes, that is one which I have seen). You're on the Internet. You know, that thing which about a billion other people use. Nobody will ever remember who you are. Nobody cares who you are. I remember the sign-off, but not anything which came before it. I don't even know what "I" stands for. Unless you're on a relatively small site where everyone knows each other, you are anonymous. And on the Internet, anyone normal person who tries to stand out, leaves themselves open to the ridicule of the anonymous. And the anonymous are incredibly evil and intelligent.

4. Stamp Collecting:

"Oh, this one is worth a lot more because this was issued before perforations and the person who cut this one left a lot of the white sheet along the edges". Here's an idea, collect something thats interesting. Something which won't make people want to take all the stamps, put you in a large box and use the stamps to post you to West Bumblefuck, Mongolia. Stamps are not interesting. Not in the slightest.

5. Parents:

Firstly, when your toddler mumbles and grunts something incoherently, then points over to some inanimate object, don't give me the evil look when I ask them what they're saying. You can understand them because you spend every day with them. Me? I haven't a fucking clue what he's talking about. I thought he said something about his shoes, but then he pointed to the cooker, so I don't know what to think. Secondly, if you have twins and you dress them the same, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET THEIR NAMES WRONG! So don't get all pissy with us because you can't be arsed reaching over to pick a different outfit. And finally, if you tell your child to behave or "that man" (while pointing at me) will take away their toys. Don't start screaming "Hey! He took my son's toy!" when I grab his Transformer. (The child wasn't being naughty. I just needed his Optimus Prime to go kick the shit out of some miniatures. I'm more than meets the eye, bitch!)

The Death of Big Brother

What a curse this "programme" has been on the lives of everyone. As it comes to it's conclusion tonight, I can't help but be reminded of what it once was. Yes children, at one point, Big Brother was actually good. Not great, obviously. Most episodes consisted of people sitting around talking. Not even about anything particularly relevant as they had no contact with the outside world. In fact, I imagine it's quite like watching people in prison. Except it had more gay people and less gay sex.

What was so compelling about it in the beginning was that these people all had to co-exist with each other. It was a fascinating insight into how people cope seperated from their loved ones, put together with random strangers with nowhere to hide. Their every moment relayed to the outside. Friendships. Rivalries. Even love (for a while). Locked in a small house with 9 other people, they would have to work together as a group to complete tasks, then stab each other in the back to avoid nominations. But even though most of the time they'd sit around talking, they felt like real people. Some of them were a bit odd alright, but they were real. Their conversations were, for the most part, kinda boring. But let's face it, thats a pretty accurate representation of real life. Even when 'Nasty' Nick's scheme to turn everyone against each other and get his biggest threats voted out, the confrontation, while compelling, was quite calm. Everyone kept their composure, and discussed things like... dare I say it... adults. It was incredible to watch. After the whole 'Nasty Nick' thing, you could only think that a show like that could not get any better.

And it didn't. Season by season, the real people were overtaken by the weird, the angry and the plain old bizarre. Season by season, the conversations were replaced with childish tantrums, bullying and people trying to stand out in some desperate attempt to get people to like them. "What's that? You're a market researcher from London? Well, surely the only way for you to win the hearts of the nation is to masturbate with a wine bottle." Drunk or not, a fucking idiot is a fucking idiot.

So where did it all go wrong? The public can hardly be blamed. While some people still lap it up each year, even all the 'sister shows', the ratings were steadily decreasing for the past view years. Even the media seemed less interested. After all, in the beginning, you'd have 10-14 housemates. But with the last few seasons having about 20 housemates, what's the point in trying to get to know any of them? Most of them will be knocked by the wayside and never seen again, no matter how much they try to cling on to their 15 minutes.

And it's not the housemates' fault. While most of them are attention-seeking, devoid of any real personality or talent and should generally have had to enter the house with their carer, all they did was apply to be on the programme. Everyone wants their 15 minutes (except me), and thats all these people are looking for. Fame, and the quick buck doing pointless interviews (the guys) or tasteless photoshoots (the girls, for the guys).

It's the programme makers fault. They pick most of the weakest, simplest minds they can find, put them together with the most irritable, vile creatures they can gather, then think of as many ways possible to crash them together. And when shit goes bad, they seem shocked, as if the possibilty of putting idiots and people who hate idiots together and them not getting on hadn't crossed their febble little minds. The people who've run this show for the past 7 or so years should never be allowed to work in television again.

Big Brother had the potential to be fantastic. The formula they touched upon in the first 2/3 seasons was alright. But instead of ordinary people living together and isolated from the outside world, we ended up getting fucktards with a combined IQ which was less than the actual number of fuckturds. Producers trying to devise ways to antagonise these simpletons to create conflicts. And the fascinating insight into these people and their situations replaced with a horrific insight into what might happen if you were walking down the street one day when suddenly a nuclear bomb went off. You just managed to get into a bomb-shelter in time. But after 20 minutes of talking to the other people in the shelter, you come to the realisation that you'd probably have a better life if you left the shelter and died slowly from the radiation.

So Big Brother (and Jade "The Cancer Sufferer" Goody) is dead. Good riddance to what should have been good rubbish.

And I would totally bang Davina McCall if she left her husband and bought my plane tickets over to England. Or the ferry. I'd take a ferry to fuck McCall. No doubt.

Pint of Unspecific

Tonight, I did something I pretty much never do. While sitting in front of the telly, I cracked open a can of lager (I'd mention the brand, but they refused to pay me advertising fees, so screw them). I'm not a big drinker, but I have no problem with it. To be honest, I'm envious of those who say they just went home after a hard day’s work and had a few cans or bottles, or a few glasses of wine or whatever. When I lived at home, I'd never think of having a drink. And this evening when I opened the fridge and saw those eight cans that I bought almost two months ago, I decided that I no longer have to be envious of those people. I had a hard day at work, and now I can relax with a nice cool can of Unspecific and just cotch out on the couch.

So why doesn't it feel right?

Is it the taste? I don't really mind the taste, but I can think of plenty of other things I would prefer to drink (although after weaning myself off 30-40 bottles of Lucozade per week, some of them might not be a good idea). When I'm out in the pubs, I never mind the taste. Few pints of Unspecific before switching to shorts usually goes down pretty well, regardless of occasion or company.

Perhaps it's the after-effects. Not being a big drinker means I feel the effects more than the well-seasoned drinkers do. That's part of the reason I sometimes don't drink when I'm out. But I'm in my flat, and even if I did drink in the evenings, chances are I'd only have one or two. Even I'm not that much of a lightweight. And even then, it's usually only whiskey which really has a bad effect on me the next day.

Could it be something psychological? I've been blessed in that I've never had to witness the effects of alcoholism up close. And bar my aforementioned addiction to Lucozade, I've never felt close to feeling any sort of addiction to anything. So I doubt that a few cans one or two evenings a week would suddenly turn me into a mumbling, staggering, senseless alco (as opposed to a mumbling, staggering, senseless blogger).

So what could it be? Am I subconsciously worried about the effect it could have whilst I'm trying to lose weight? Maybe I'm afraid it might affect my ability to run rings around the opposition in FIFA (Amateur difficulty still counts, right?). Or perhaps I'm just not one of those people who can relax with a bottle of Unspecific. Perhaps I just don't need it. There are other ways to relax. A bit of Playstation or a few DVDs is a great way to relax, and maybe I don't require alcohol in my veins to get the full effects of them.

Overall, I think I just prefer milk.

Lords of the Internet

My most humble of apologies to you, Lords of the Internet. I found a nice little joke which I thought I'd share with people, because just by raising a little smile on someones face, just makes the world a happier place.

So I'm sorry that I failed to realise that you had already seen it. I mean, obviously if you have seen it, surely everyone else has. You are the Lord of the Internet, and if people can't keep up with you, they deserve to be ridiculed. After all, some people in this world don't have the sheer will and dedication to sit at the computer for periods of time, making sure they are up to date with every funny link or video. Those people probably have lives. What good is a life if you can't group email it, right?

And then of course, other people deserve to be ridiculed if what they post is not up to your own personal standards. The very fact that these cretins have wasted 10 seconds of your life which could have been better served staying up to date with every joke on the Internet and go unpunished is an outrage. So I completely understand why you inform them that they have wasted your time. I bet they feel so ashamed that they resign from the Internet completely. After all, you were kind enough to spend even more time to point out their failure. Time which you can never get back. Time which you could have spent reading Dumbledore and Voldemort fanfictions of when they were younger and crossed wands *snigger*

So, my dear Lords of the Internet, I offer you my keyboard. I am not worthy to join your ranks. After all, I have never paid towards the upkeep of the Internet like you, so I do not have the same sense of entitlement that you do. Is the Internet a cold, dark, abusive place? Yes. But does it have to be? Perhaps my years of trying to avoid all the gore, fanfiction, and general 4chan behaviour has warped my view of humanity in some way in which I believe that there is still some way that actual constructive criticism can exist without the need for the sarcastic, demeaning comments. But I see the truth now. The Internet is available to pretty much everyone. Yet not everyone is as good as you.

So please, take my keyboard. Take my keyboard, and go shove it up your fucking arse.

Random Jokes

First post sets the tone. So here's the kind of stuff you can expect.

When I was a child, my parents got a divorce and my brother and I got seperated. This left a huge hole in my heart. We were conjoined twins.

I got a massage the other day. Afterwards, the masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending, so I said yes. She killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

I bought a Muhammad Ali Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine last week. It's better than the George Foreman one, but it shakes a lot more.

I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last night. Those Dragons are well hidden.

I met the Jigsaw Killer from Saw outside a playground last night. He said "Did you see Saw?". I said "No, I was just on the swings for a while"

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just hard to tell because apiarists wear those big facemasks.

I read a book on glue last week. It was great. Then again, every book is great when you've been sniffing glue.

I use a dictophone. And my testicles to send texts.

I made my girlfriend a candlelit dinner last night. It took ages to cook that way.

My friends say I'm a cunning linguist because I have a quick tongue.

I bought my girlfriend a voucher for a bikini wax. She ripped all her other bikinis trying to shave them

I went for a job interview at Marvel. They asked me to name pictures of superheroes. It was a test of character

My cockney uncle tried to make a house out of fruit, but his apples and pears collapsed

My friend said he could see people stealing geese, so I decided to take a gander

I was going to make an ethnic joke, but I'm too drunk

I was going to make a non-sequitur, but I like zombies

I wish I could remember that off the cuff remark I made about Abu Hamza

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

I can't believe Adam and Eve fell for that snake tempting them with the apple. That's the oldest trick in the book.

I want to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I'd be alright at the shooting, just not sure about the fighting and flying.