Random Jokes

First post sets the tone. So here's the kind of stuff you can expect.

When I was a child, my parents got a divorce and my brother and I got seperated. This left a huge hole in my heart. We were conjoined twins.

I got a massage the other day. Afterwards, the masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending, so I said yes. She killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

I bought a Muhammad Ali Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine last week. It's better than the George Foreman one, but it shakes a lot more.

I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last night. Those Dragons are well hidden.

I met the Jigsaw Killer from Saw outside a playground last night. He said "Did you see Saw?". I said "No, I was just on the swings for a while"

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just hard to tell because apiarists wear those big facemasks.

I read a book on glue last week. It was great. Then again, every book is great when you've been sniffing glue.

I use a dictophone. And my testicles to send texts.

I made my girlfriend a candlelit dinner last night. It took ages to cook that way.

My friends say I'm a cunning linguist because I have a quick tongue.

I bought my girlfriend a voucher for a bikini wax. She ripped all her other bikinis trying to shave them

I went for a job interview at Marvel. They asked me to name pictures of superheroes. It was a test of character

My cockney uncle tried to make a house out of fruit, but his apples and pears collapsed

My friend said he could see people stealing geese, so I decided to take a gander

I was going to make an ethnic joke, but I'm too drunk

I was going to make a non-sequitur, but I like zombies

I wish I could remember that off the cuff remark I made about Abu Hamza

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

I can't believe Adam and Eve fell for that snake tempting them with the apple. That's the oldest trick in the book.

I want to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I'd be alright at the shooting, just not sure about the fighting and flying.