Pint of Unspecific

Tonight, I did something I pretty much never do. While sitting in front of the telly, I cracked open a can of lager (I'd mention the brand, but they refused to pay me advertising fees, so screw them). I'm not a big drinker, but I have no problem with it. To be honest, I'm envious of those who say they just went home after a hard day’s work and had a few cans or bottles, or a few glasses of wine or whatever. When I lived at home, I'd never think of having a drink. And this evening when I opened the fridge and saw those eight cans that I bought almost two months ago, I decided that I no longer have to be envious of those people. I had a hard day at work, and now I can relax with a nice cool can of Unspecific and just cotch out on the couch.

So why doesn't it feel right?

Is it the taste? I don't really mind the taste, but I can think of plenty of other things I would prefer to drink (although after weaning myself off 30-40 bottles of Lucozade per week, some of them might not be a good idea). When I'm out in the pubs, I never mind the taste. Few pints of Unspecific before switching to shorts usually goes down pretty well, regardless of occasion or company.

Perhaps it's the after-effects. Not being a big drinker means I feel the effects more than the well-seasoned drinkers do. That's part of the reason I sometimes don't drink when I'm out. But I'm in my flat, and even if I did drink in the evenings, chances are I'd only have one or two. Even I'm not that much of a lightweight. And even then, it's usually only whiskey which really has a bad effect on me the next day.

Could it be something psychological? I've been blessed in that I've never had to witness the effects of alcoholism up close. And bar my aforementioned addiction to Lucozade, I've never felt close to feeling any sort of addiction to anything. So I doubt that a few cans one or two evenings a week would suddenly turn me into a mumbling, staggering, senseless alco (as opposed to a mumbling, staggering, senseless blogger).

So what could it be? Am I subconsciously worried about the effect it could have whilst I'm trying to lose weight? Maybe I'm afraid it might affect my ability to run rings around the opposition in FIFA (Amateur difficulty still counts, right?). Or perhaps I'm just not one of those people who can relax with a bottle of Unspecific. Perhaps I just don't need it. There are other ways to relax. A bit of Playstation or a few DVDs is a great way to relax, and maybe I don't require alcohol in my veins to get the full effects of them.

Overall, I think I just prefer milk.

Lords of the Internet

My most humble of apologies to you, Lords of the Internet. I found a nice little joke which I thought I'd share with people, because just by raising a little smile on someones face, just makes the world a happier place.

So I'm sorry that I failed to realise that you had already seen it. I mean, obviously if you have seen it, surely everyone else has. You are the Lord of the Internet, and if people can't keep up with you, they deserve to be ridiculed. After all, some people in this world don't have the sheer will and dedication to sit at the computer for periods of time, making sure they are up to date with every funny link or video. Those people probably have lives. What good is a life if you can't group email it, right?

And then of course, other people deserve to be ridiculed if what they post is not up to your own personal standards. The very fact that these cretins have wasted 10 seconds of your life which could have been better served staying up to date with every joke on the Internet and go unpunished is an outrage. So I completely understand why you inform them that they have wasted your time. I bet they feel so ashamed that they resign from the Internet completely. After all, you were kind enough to spend even more time to point out their failure. Time which you can never get back. Time which you could have spent reading Dumbledore and Voldemort fanfictions of when they were younger and crossed wands *snigger*

So, my dear Lords of the Internet, I offer you my keyboard. I am not worthy to join your ranks. After all, I have never paid towards the upkeep of the Internet like you, so I do not have the same sense of entitlement that you do. Is the Internet a cold, dark, abusive place? Yes. But does it have to be? Perhaps my years of trying to avoid all the gore, fanfiction, and general 4chan behaviour has warped my view of humanity in some way in which I believe that there is still some way that actual constructive criticism can exist without the need for the sarcastic, demeaning comments. But I see the truth now. The Internet is available to pretty much everyone. Yet not everyone is as good as you.

So please, take my keyboard. Take my keyboard, and go shove it up your fucking arse.

Random Jokes

First post sets the tone. So here's the kind of stuff you can expect.

When I was a child, my parents got a divorce and my brother and I got seperated. This left a huge hole in my heart. We were conjoined twins.

I got a massage the other day. Afterwards, the masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending, so I said yes. She killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

I bought a Muhammad Ali Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine last week. It's better than the George Foreman one, but it shakes a lot more.

I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last night. Those Dragons are well hidden.

I met the Jigsaw Killer from Saw outside a playground last night. He said "Did you see Saw?". I said "No, I was just on the swings for a while"

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just hard to tell because apiarists wear those big facemasks.

I read a book on glue last week. It was great. Then again, every book is great when you've been sniffing glue.

I use a dictophone. And my testicles to send texts.

I made my girlfriend a candlelit dinner last night. It took ages to cook that way.

My friends say I'm a cunning linguist because I have a quick tongue.

I bought my girlfriend a voucher for a bikini wax. She ripped all her other bikinis trying to shave them

I went for a job interview at Marvel. They asked me to name pictures of superheroes. It was a test of character

My cockney uncle tried to make a house out of fruit, but his apples and pears collapsed

My friend said he could see people stealing geese, so I decided to take a gander

I was going to make an ethnic joke, but I'm too drunk

I was going to make a non-sequitur, but I like zombies

I wish I could remember that off the cuff remark I made about Abu Hamza

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

I can't believe Adam and Eve fell for that snake tempting them with the apple. That's the oldest trick in the book.

I want to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I'd be alright at the shooting, just not sure about the fighting and flying.