Bar the obvious Quantum Mechanics, Women and how Renee Zelleweger ever made it out of that cave she was thrown into at birth, here be my list:
1. Miniature Gaming:
Y'know, the one where you paint little figures and weapons and trees, then put them on some green carpet. I'm sure back in the day (that day being in the 1940's), these were great. But get with the times. How is this still interesting to people when there is so much ever-changing technology in the world? If it's the creation and painting you like, put it to better use. Anything that takes that long to create and set up for such little reward just isn't worth it. I get pissed off waiting for my Playstation to load. But at least technology can evolve. Your little painted General will never be promoted.
2. Red Hot Chili Pepper's Lyrics:
"This chapter's going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know you're going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop"
Have Red Hot Chili Peppers really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
3. Internet Sign-offs:
People on forums who add their own sign-off to the end of their posts, like "Be at Peace, I" (Yes, that is one which I have seen). You're on the Internet. You know, that thing which about a billion other people use. Nobody will ever remember who you are. Nobody cares who you are. I remember the sign-off, but not anything which came before it. I don't even know what "I" stands for. Unless you're on a relatively small site where everyone knows each other, you are anonymous. And on the Internet, anyone normal person who tries to stand out, leaves themselves open to the ridicule of the anonymous. And the anonymous are incredibly evil and intelligent.
4. Stamp Collecting:
"Oh, this one is worth a lot more because this was issued before perforations and the person who cut this one left a lot of the white sheet along the edges". Here's an idea, collect something thats interesting. Something which won't make people want to take all the stamps, put you in a large box and use the stamps to post you to West Bumblefuck, Mongolia. Stamps are not interesting. Not in the slightest.
5. Parents:
Firstly, when your toddler mumbles and grunts something incoherently, then points over to some inanimate object, don't give me the evil look when I ask them what they're saying. You can understand them because you spend every day with them. Me? I haven't a fucking clue what he's talking about. I thought he said something about his shoes, but then he pointed to the cooker, so I don't know what to think. Secondly, if you have twins and you dress them the same, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET THEIR NAMES WRONG! So don't get all pissy with us because you can't be arsed reaching over to pick a different outfit. And finally, if you tell your child to behave or "that man" (while pointing at me) will take away their toys. Don't start screaming "Hey! He took my son's toy!" when I grab his Transformer. (The child wasn't being naughty. I just needed his Optimus Prime to go kick the shit out of some miniatures. I'm more than meets the eye, bitch!)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Death of Big Brother
What a curse this "programme" has been on the lives of everyone. As it comes to it's conclusion tonight, I can't help but be reminded of what it once was. Yes children, at one point, Big Brother was actually good. Not great, obviously. Most episodes consisted of people sitting around talking. Not even about anything particularly relevant as they had no contact with the outside world. In fact, I imagine it's quite like watching people in prison. Except it had more gay people and less gay sex.
What was so compelling about it in the beginning was that these people all had to co-exist with each other. It was a fascinating insight into how people cope seperated from their loved ones, put together with random strangers with nowhere to hide. Their every moment relayed to the outside. Friendships. Rivalries. Even love (for a while). Locked in a small house with 9 other people, they would have to work together as a group to complete tasks, then stab each other in the back to avoid nominations. But even though most of the time they'd sit around talking, they felt like real people. Some of them were a bit odd alright, but they were real. Their conversations were, for the most part, kinda boring. But let's face it, thats a pretty accurate representation of real life. Even when 'Nasty' Nick's scheme to turn everyone against each other and get his biggest threats voted out, the confrontation, while compelling, was quite calm. Everyone kept their composure, and discussed things like... dare I say it... adults. It was incredible to watch. After the whole 'Nasty Nick' thing, you could only think that a show like that could not get any better.
And it didn't. Season by season, the real people were overtaken by the weird, the angry and the plain old bizarre. Season by season, the conversations were replaced with childish tantrums, bullying and people trying to stand out in some desperate attempt to get people to like them. "What's that? You're a market researcher from London? Well, surely the only way for you to win the hearts of the nation is to masturbate with a wine bottle." Drunk or not, a fucking idiot is a fucking idiot.
So where did it all go wrong? The public can hardly be blamed. While some people still lap it up each year, even all the 'sister shows', the ratings were steadily decreasing for the past view years. Even the media seemed less interested. After all, in the beginning, you'd have 10-14 housemates. But with the last few seasons having about 20 housemates, what's the point in trying to get to know any of them? Most of them will be knocked by the wayside and never seen again, no matter how much they try to cling on to their 15 minutes.
And it's not the housemates' fault. While most of them are attention-seeking, devoid of any real personality or talent and should generally have had to enter the house with their carer, all they did was apply to be on the programme. Everyone wants their 15 minutes (except me), and thats all these people are looking for. Fame, and the quick buck doing pointless interviews (the guys) or tasteless photoshoots (the girls, for the guys).
It's the programme makers fault. They pick most of the weakest, simplest minds they can find, put them together with the most irritable, vile creatures they can gather, then think of as many ways possible to crash them together. And when shit goes bad, they seem shocked, as if the possibilty of putting idiots and people who hate idiots together and them not getting on hadn't crossed their febble little minds. The people who've run this show for the past 7 or so years should never be allowed to work in television again.
Big Brother had the potential to be fantastic. The formula they touched upon in the first 2/3 seasons was alright. But instead of ordinary people living together and isolated from the outside world, we ended up getting fucktards with a combined IQ which was less than the actual number of fuckturds. Producers trying to devise ways to antagonise these simpletons to create conflicts. And the fascinating insight into these people and their situations replaced with a horrific insight into what might happen if you were walking down the street one day when suddenly a nuclear bomb went off. You just managed to get into a bomb-shelter in time. But after 20 minutes of talking to the other people in the shelter, you come to the realisation that you'd probably have a better life if you left the shelter and died slowly from the radiation.
So Big Brother (and Jade "The Cancer Sufferer" Goody) is dead. Good riddance to what should have been good rubbish.
And I would totally bang Davina McCall if she left her husband and bought my plane tickets over to England. Or the ferry. I'd take a ferry to fuck McCall. No doubt.
What was so compelling about it in the beginning was that these people all had to co-exist with each other. It was a fascinating insight into how people cope seperated from their loved ones, put together with random strangers with nowhere to hide. Their every moment relayed to the outside. Friendships. Rivalries. Even love (for a while). Locked in a small house with 9 other people, they would have to work together as a group to complete tasks, then stab each other in the back to avoid nominations. But even though most of the time they'd sit around talking, they felt like real people. Some of them were a bit odd alright, but they were real. Their conversations were, for the most part, kinda boring. But let's face it, thats a pretty accurate representation of real life. Even when 'Nasty' Nick's scheme to turn everyone against each other and get his biggest threats voted out, the confrontation, while compelling, was quite calm. Everyone kept their composure, and discussed things like... dare I say it... adults. It was incredible to watch. After the whole 'Nasty Nick' thing, you could only think that a show like that could not get any better.
And it didn't. Season by season, the real people were overtaken by the weird, the angry and the plain old bizarre. Season by season, the conversations were replaced with childish tantrums, bullying and people trying to stand out in some desperate attempt to get people to like them. "What's that? You're a market researcher from London? Well, surely the only way for you to win the hearts of the nation is to masturbate with a wine bottle." Drunk or not, a fucking idiot is a fucking idiot.
So where did it all go wrong? The public can hardly be blamed. While some people still lap it up each year, even all the 'sister shows', the ratings were steadily decreasing for the past view years. Even the media seemed less interested. After all, in the beginning, you'd have 10-14 housemates. But with the last few seasons having about 20 housemates, what's the point in trying to get to know any of them? Most of them will be knocked by the wayside and never seen again, no matter how much they try to cling on to their 15 minutes.
And it's not the housemates' fault. While most of them are attention-seeking, devoid of any real personality or talent and should generally have had to enter the house with their carer, all they did was apply to be on the programme. Everyone wants their 15 minutes (except me), and thats all these people are looking for. Fame, and the quick buck doing pointless interviews (the guys) or tasteless photoshoots (the girls, for the guys).
It's the programme makers fault. They pick most of the weakest, simplest minds they can find, put them together with the most irritable, vile creatures they can gather, then think of as many ways possible to crash them together. And when shit goes bad, they seem shocked, as if the possibilty of putting idiots and people who hate idiots together and them not getting on hadn't crossed their febble little minds. The people who've run this show for the past 7 or so years should never be allowed to work in television again.
Big Brother had the potential to be fantastic. The formula they touched upon in the first 2/3 seasons was alright. But instead of ordinary people living together and isolated from the outside world, we ended up getting fucktards with a combined IQ which was less than the actual number of fuckturds. Producers trying to devise ways to antagonise these simpletons to create conflicts. And the fascinating insight into these people and their situations replaced with a horrific insight into what might happen if you were walking down the street one day when suddenly a nuclear bomb went off. You just managed to get into a bomb-shelter in time. But after 20 minutes of talking to the other people in the shelter, you come to the realisation that you'd probably have a better life if you left the shelter and died slowly from the radiation.
So Big Brother (and Jade "The Cancer Sufferer" Goody) is dead. Good riddance to what should have been good rubbish.
And I would totally bang Davina McCall if she left her husband and bought my plane tickets over to England. Or the ferry. I'd take a ferry to fuck McCall. No doubt.
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