5. The Santa Clause
Low expectations help make this film what it is. Tim Allen is a funny bloke, but to carry this film like he does with such a terrific performance, it just hits you like a ton of ACME bricks. After Santa Claus falls off his roof, Allen becomes the new Santa Claus, and spends the next year trying to come to terms with his new responsibilities. Aided by his son (a child actor who doesn't really annoy me, which is a rare thing), Head Elf Bernard, and the ELFS (a special squad of elves for special missions), he eventually accepts his new position and saves the day (and don't say I spoiled it for you. It's a Christmas film).
Highlights: His first few houses after becoming Santa; Judge Reinhold
Rating: 7/10
4. Elf
Will Ferrell acting like he has the brain of an 8 year old. At least I think he's acting.... Anyway, he gives a stellar performance and carries this entire film. Bar Kyle Gass (Tenacious D), no-one else really raises a titter. But Ferrell does indeed carry it. Raised by elves in Santa's workshop, he travels to New York to meet his real father. Along the way, he falls in love with Zooey Deschanel (who wouldn't?), bonds with a younger half-brother, and generally does whatever he can to annoy his father... WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! As per usual, it's the lines Ferrell improvises which raise the biggest laughs, and there is a lot of physical comedy too. Typical Christmassy ending, but it's bearable.
Highlights: Will Ferrell's improvisations and general naivety.
Rating: 8/10
3. Scrooged
Bill Murray in one of his finest roles. From
Ghostbusters to his amazing cameo in
Zombieland, Bill Murray knows comedy, and he delivers in spades in this modernised take on Charles Dickens'
A Christmas Carol. Murray stars as Frank Cross, a Scrooge-like television executive who is cruel, selfish, and fucking hilarious. Some of the finest moments involve Murray just rambling to himself non-sensically. Supporting cast includes Bobcat Goldthwait as a man Murray fires, which is a wonderful addition and Goldthwait is hilarious in the role. Overall,
Scrooged stays fairly truthful to the source material, Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Yet To Come visit and make him a better man. A classic Christmas film.
Highlights: The first 5 minutes; Ghost of Christmas Present
Rating: 9/10
2. The Muppet Christmas Carol
Yes, another take on
A Christmas Carol. What makes this one better than Scrooged? Fucking Muppets! That's what! (The Muppets don't actually fuck. Muppets are not anatomically correct). A more classic telling of
A Christmas Carol, Michael Caine stars as Ebenezer Scrooge, a man so bereft of emotion he makes Stephen Hawking look like Chris Crocker. Pretty standard stuff. Pretty much as good as you can expect from a film starring Muppets. Most of the songs are a joy, the performances are good, and the sub-story of Charles Dickens and Rizzo The Rat (played by Gonzo The Great and Rizzo The Rat respectively) is a great addition and provides the most laughs. Scrooged is funnier. Scrooged has the better performances. And Scrooged is a better film. So why did this beat it? Because it's not Christmas unless you've watched this.
Highlights: Michael Caine; Songs that'll stick in your head
Rating: 9/10
Drum roll please....
1. Die Hard
Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas Film. Sure, you'll see it in the Action/Adventure section, and at Christmas when HMV put all the Christmas films at the front of the store, Die Hard will still be in the Action/Adventure section. But this is a Christmas film, and it is the best Christmas film. Bruce Willis plays Bruce Willis, even though everyone calls him John McClane (he must be undercover), a cop visiting his ex-wife on Christmas Eve. Suddenly, terrorists take over the building and John McClane is forced to take them on... WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS! Set with the backdrop of a company Christmas Party (including a couple who get caught fucking in an empty office), it's John McClane Vs Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman who gives an equally terrific performance. This is dumb, balls to the wall action. Funny, exciting and... erm.... Christmas! Because it IS a Christmas film!
Highlights: Everything Alan Rickman does; John McClane's constant self-narration
Rating: 10/10
Happy Christmas, from all of us here at Barrington SMASH.
